I wish you enough

~ Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."

She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy." They kissed, and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face-to-face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.

"I am old, and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead, and the reality is, the next trip back will be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment, and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he recited the following:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough "hellos" to get you though the final "good-bye".

He then began to sob and walked away.
I wish you enough.

by Bob Perks ~

All In Time...

Time is the wisest counselor of all ~ Pericles

March marks the beginning of a difficult few months for me: March 23 – the 2 year anniversary of my mom’s passing; April 11 – the 4 year anniversary of my grandfather’s passing; April 12 – my mom’s birthday; April 18 – my niece Kayla’s 2nd birthday; April 28 – my brother’s birthday; May 26 – the day Kareem proposed (2 months after my mom passed). Now, I know not all of these are bad things, in fact, many of them are reason for celebration, but when you lose someone with whom you would normally celebrate these occasions, it just stings a little (actually, a lot) that they are not there. Kind of like rubbing salt in a wound.

I sometimes feel like people forget what I am dealing with. That they think everything is better now since it has been two years. But what you can’t understand until you have lost someone close to you is that it doesn’t necessarily get easier with time. Each day presents a different struggle and some are harder than others. Some days I am sad, some days I am happy. Sometimes I feel cursed, sometimes I feel blessed. I often find myself angry, and other times at peace. Maybe it’s just that as time goes by reality sets in that she is not coming back.

When I first lost my mom, it felt like she was at home like usual and that we just hadn’t been able to talk for a while (even though we talked every day, sometimes several times a day). It was easier to lie to myself than deal with the difficult truth. But as time passed, not even I could convince myself of this untruth. I had to face it head on and it was not easy; it is still very hard. Simple things like erasing her number from my phone and hanging up her house keys felt like I was betraying her. But I knew that they were necessary steps which allowed me to let go of her and be at peace with the fact that she was gone.

Even though I feel very unlucky that this happened to me and my family, I also feel very fortunate that what has come out of it is a renewed strength in my relationships with friends, family and most importantly, myself. This life-changing event has sent me on a path of self-discovery and, even though it may not have been a path I would have chosen for myself, I am in a better place because of it. I feel more in touch with my emotions than ever before an as a result I am able to be a better wife, sister and friend. Things are far from perfect but with each day I am becoming a better me.

"It has been said ‘time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." ~ Rose Kennedy

**When I started this post I envisioned it going in a completely different direction, but that is why I think writing about my journey of loss is so important...it forces me to face issues that I didn't realize were unresolved in my mind. Alas, in my next entry I hope to share about my recently discovered interest which has become extremely therapeutic for me (hint: its in the name of this blog ;).