It's been almost two years since my mom's passing and until now, I haven't been able to write about it. It's not that I didn't want to or wasn't in a healthy enough place to express my feelings on paper, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Heck, I even bought a journal shortly after her death with every intention of recording my journey through the grieving process. I think I wrote in one page. I have been beating myself up about this for sometime, thinking there was something wrong with me for not being able honor my mom by journaling about how much I miss her. But then I sit back and think, "wait a minute...everyone grieves differently and the fact that you haven't written it down doesn't mean you aren't hurting like hell". I think my mom, wherever she is, and the people closest to me know how much I miss her and what a long journey this has been.A lot had happened in two years. Since my mom passed, I got engaged and married, I was accepted into Physical Therapy school, my two nieces were born (my mom missed the birth of her first grandchild by two weeks), my sister and her husband bought a house, and much more, all of which I have wanted to share with my mom.
When a life is cut short it is not fair. There are so many words left unsaid, hugs and kisses left ungiven, and lives left without a mom, grandma or friend to share them with. I am heart broken by the fact that my future children will not have a grandma. I look back and can recall so many happy memories with my grandparents as a child, and it is painful to think that my children will not have the same. Going to grandma and grandpa's was such a treat and I cherish the times I spent with them. I want my children to know how special my mom was and how much she was looking forward to being a grandma. Towards the end, my mom was in a lot of pain and endured a lot of painful illnesses. However, she always found the strength to keep going because she especially wanted to see her children marry and have their own children. I know how tired she was and how easy it would have been for her to let go. But she persevered with courage and conviction.
I wish I had a way to record all the memories I have of my mom. I wish there were more pictures and more written words that document her pure devotion and love for me and my brother and sister. In my quest to hold onto as much of my mom as I can, I hope that this blog will serve as a slate upon which I can capture the impact my mom has had on my life. I hope that this can not only help me heal, but serve as a journal which I can someday share with my kids so they can at least appreciate the beautiful woman who made this all possible.
When I am having a hard day I remind myself of this quote my dear friend Lindsay shared with me: "You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." ~ Anne Lamott.
