All In Time...

Time is the wisest counselor of all ~ Pericles

March marks the beginning of a difficult few months for me: March 23 – the 2 year anniversary of my mom’s passing; April 11 – the 4 year anniversary of my grandfather’s passing; April 12 – my mom’s birthday; April 18 – my niece Kayla’s 2nd birthday; April 28 – my brother’s birthday; May 26 – the day Kareem proposed (2 months after my mom passed). Now, I know not all of these are bad things, in fact, many of them are reason for celebration, but when you lose someone with whom you would normally celebrate these occasions, it just stings a little (actually, a lot) that they are not there. Kind of like rubbing salt in a wound.

I sometimes feel like people forget what I am dealing with. That they think everything is better now since it has been two years. But what you can’t understand until you have lost someone close to you is that it doesn’t necessarily get easier with time. Each day presents a different struggle and some are harder than others. Some days I am sad, some days I am happy. Sometimes I feel cursed, sometimes I feel blessed. I often find myself angry, and other times at peace. Maybe it’s just that as time goes by reality sets in that she is not coming back.

When I first lost my mom, it felt like she was at home like usual and that we just hadn’t been able to talk for a while (even though we talked every day, sometimes several times a day). It was easier to lie to myself than deal with the difficult truth. But as time passed, not even I could convince myself of this untruth. I had to face it head on and it was not easy; it is still very hard. Simple things like erasing her number from my phone and hanging up her house keys felt like I was betraying her. But I knew that they were necessary steps which allowed me to let go of her and be at peace with the fact that she was gone.

Even though I feel very unlucky that this happened to me and my family, I also feel very fortunate that what has come out of it is a renewed strength in my relationships with friends, family and most importantly, myself. This life-changing event has sent me on a path of self-discovery and, even though it may not have been a path I would have chosen for myself, I am in a better place because of it. I feel more in touch with my emotions than ever before an as a result I am able to be a better wife, sister and friend. Things are far from perfect but with each day I am becoming a better me.

"It has been said ‘time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." ~ Rose Kennedy

**When I started this post I envisioned it going in a completely different direction, but that is why I think writing about my journey of loss is so important...it forces me to face issues that I didn't realize were unresolved in my mind. Alas, in my next entry I hope to share about my recently discovered interest which has become extremely therapeutic for me (hint: its in the name of this blog ;).