I wish you enough

~ Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough."

She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy." They kissed, and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face-to-face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.

"I am old, and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead, and the reality is, the next trip back will be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment, and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me he recited the following:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough "hellos" to get you though the final "good-bye".

He then began to sob and walked away.
I wish you enough.

by Bob Perks ~

All In Time...

Time is the wisest counselor of all ~ Pericles

March marks the beginning of a difficult few months for me: March 23 – the 2 year anniversary of my mom’s passing; April 11 – the 4 year anniversary of my grandfather’s passing; April 12 – my mom’s birthday; April 18 – my niece Kayla’s 2nd birthday; April 28 – my brother’s birthday; May 26 – the day Kareem proposed (2 months after my mom passed). Now, I know not all of these are bad things, in fact, many of them are reason for celebration, but when you lose someone with whom you would normally celebrate these occasions, it just stings a little (actually, a lot) that they are not there. Kind of like rubbing salt in a wound.

I sometimes feel like people forget what I am dealing with. That they think everything is better now since it has been two years. But what you can’t understand until you have lost someone close to you is that it doesn’t necessarily get easier with time. Each day presents a different struggle and some are harder than others. Some days I am sad, some days I am happy. Sometimes I feel cursed, sometimes I feel blessed. I often find myself angry, and other times at peace. Maybe it’s just that as time goes by reality sets in that she is not coming back.

When I first lost my mom, it felt like she was at home like usual and that we just hadn’t been able to talk for a while (even though we talked every day, sometimes several times a day). It was easier to lie to myself than deal with the difficult truth. But as time passed, not even I could convince myself of this untruth. I had to face it head on and it was not easy; it is still very hard. Simple things like erasing her number from my phone and hanging up her house keys felt like I was betraying her. But I knew that they were necessary steps which allowed me to let go of her and be at peace with the fact that she was gone.

Even though I feel very unlucky that this happened to me and my family, I also feel very fortunate that what has come out of it is a renewed strength in my relationships with friends, family and most importantly, myself. This life-changing event has sent me on a path of self-discovery and, even though it may not have been a path I would have chosen for myself, I am in a better place because of it. I feel more in touch with my emotions than ever before an as a result I am able to be a better wife, sister and friend. Things are far from perfect but with each day I am becoming a better me.

"It has been said ‘time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." ~ Rose Kennedy

**When I started this post I envisioned it going in a completely different direction, but that is why I think writing about my journey of loss is so important...it forces me to face issues that I didn't realize were unresolved in my mind. Alas, in my next entry I hope to share about my recently discovered interest which has become extremely therapeutic for me (hint: its in the name of this blog ;).

Memories in the raw

A photograph is memory in the raw. ~Carrie Latet

One of the tasks I took on when my mom passed away was to scan all of our old family pictures so that my brother, sister and I didn't have to split them up. I took on this task not realizing how hard it would be to open than darn box and stare and hundreds of photos of my mom.

I finally gathered up the courage this week to peak into that box full of memories that still feel as fresh and alive as if they happened yesterday.

To my surprise, however, I found myself smiling more than I did crying (albeit the tears still came). I found joy in the pictures of our old house and weekends (of which there were many) spent at swim meets. The photos were a subtle reminder of the happy childhood me and my siblings enjoyed, despite there also being some tough times.

These pictures also reminded me of how much my mom sacrificed to provide us with a "normal" life growing up. Even though we struggled financially, my mom always found a way for us to participate in sports, have all the latest toys and clothes, and attend events. I especially remember how difficult it was to afford swimming. Swimming in Orange County, one of the premier swim communities in the nation, is not cheap. My mom would work off our monthly dues at team events and swim meets so that we could continue swimming. This isn't that daunting of a proposition for someone young and healthy, but my mom was very sick and still managed to put in enough time to pay for us.

At the time, I didn't realize how hard it was for my mom because she would never think twice about doing it or complain about it. As long as it meant her kids could continue doing what they love, she was happy to do it.

I don't know if I ever told her how much I appreciate all that she did for us. I am told (from other mothers, since I am not yet one myself ;) ) that a mother just knows these things...I can only hope that she knew.

With that, here are a few of my favorite photos that I pulled out:

My mom and I at my aunt & uncle's wedding

The three of us

I could often be found attached to my mom's leg or hiding behind her (I was shy) :)

For some reason my sister and I thought it would be really fun to put plastic bags in our hair and on our hands & feet (weird, I know)

Unpacking as we move into our new house

My brother, sister, mom and me at my sister's Air Force bootcamp graduation

"Photos may give insight into our lives,
but memories of those times
is what keeps them alive."
Author: Unknown

Learning to dance with a limp

It's been almost two years since my mom's passing and until now, I haven't been able to write about it. It's not that I didn't want to or wasn't in a healthy enough place to express my feelings on paper, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Heck, I even bought a journal shortly after her death with every intention of recording my journey through the grieving process. I think I wrote in one page. I have been beating myself up about this for sometime, thinking there was something wrong with me for not being able honor my mom by journaling about how much I miss her. But then I sit back and think, "wait a minute...everyone grieves differently and the fact that you haven't written it down doesn't mean you aren't hurting like hell". I think my mom, wherever she is, and the people closest to me know how much I miss her and what a long journey this has been.

A lot had happened in two years. Since my mom passed, I got engaged and married, I was accepted into Physical Therapy school, my two nieces were born (my mom missed the birth of her first grandchild by two weeks), my sister and her husband bought a house, and much more, all of which I have wanted to share with my mom.

When a life is cut short it is not fair. There are so many words left unsaid, hugs and kisses left ungiven, and lives left without a mom, grandma or friend to share them with. I am heart broken by the fact that my future children will not have a grandma. I look back and can recall so many happy memories with my grandparents as a child, and it is painful to think that my children will not have the same. Going to grandma and grandpa's was such a treat and I cherish the times I spent with them. I want my children to know how special my mom was and how much she was looking forward to being a grandma. Towards the end, my mom was in a lot of pain and endured a lot of painful illnesses. However, she always found the strength to keep going because she especially wanted to see her children marry and have their own children. I know how tired she was and how easy it would have been for her to let go. But she persevered with courage and conviction.

I wish I had a way to record all the memories I have of my mom. I wish there were more pictures and more written words that document her pure devotion and love for me and my brother and sister. In my quest to hold onto as much of my mom as I can, I hope that this blog will serve as a slate upon which I can capture the impact my mom has had on my life. I hope that this can not only help me heal, but serve as a journal which I can someday share with my kids so they can at least appreciate the beautiful woman who made this all possible.

When I am having a hard day I remind myself of this quote my dear friend Lindsay shared with me: "You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." ~ Anne Lamott.